dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
