My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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