shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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