I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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