Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
