My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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