He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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