There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
