If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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