FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
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