I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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