I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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