the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I need a beard to bite.
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