Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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