3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
