does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
