and you said cock pushups were impossible
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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