i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
