Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
