The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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