i just wanna soil my oats bro
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
