I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
