Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
