I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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