oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
