i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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