why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
