I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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