There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
