It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
