My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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