sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
