and i looked up. we had an audience...
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
