the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize