I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
