Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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