The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
