There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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