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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
