He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
