I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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