I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
