I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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