if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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