Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Randomize
