at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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