I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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