is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
