I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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