Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
