just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
