i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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