who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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