I like my sex mixed with concussions.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Randomize
