My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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