shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
So much rum. So many feels.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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