these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
