her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
