I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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