Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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