I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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